This pictures show how I experience the world.
It feels like I was crashing with a spacecraft on a planet where everything is messy and where I am almost invisible.
But I'm stuck here because I can't repair my spaceship to get home to my own normal planet.
This planet, called the Earth, is inhabited by Zombies that do everything to make life difficult for everyone. Violence and war are encouraged, while love is considered disgusting and is something to be hidden and ashamed of. On this planet one can be killed for being loved while the one who kills gets medals.
They are compleatly mad after constantly collecting the pieces of paper and metal that they put into special vaults to have something to lose when they die.
They do not understand me, and I will never understand them.
My Asperger and little more.
I was diagnosed with Autism when I was four years old. I do not know why it was just Autism, perhaps because Asperger has not yet become a diagnosis.
Since I cannot print the memory and then get everything in order, I pay attention to how I work for a while now to type in after how I work, therefore the text can be cluttered. But with an open mind and a good will you certainly understand. I have a lot of self-esteem and humor and you will surely see it in the text as well. I hope that you who read have some joy in this text and if we know each other you can understand why I am who I am. And maybe others with Asperger can recognize themselves.
The reason I live as I do is that it has proved to be perfect for me. The majority with Asperger will try to adapt to a world where the majority do not have Asperger. This means that a lot of energy is needed for this adaptation, which is completely unnecessary. Those without Asperger decide what we need to do to be equal to them as much as possible.
But I think it is wrong that I have to use so much energy to adapt to a world that does not work for me, just because the majority believes that everyone must be equal.
In my home country, I do not understand what others mean in different situations and if they use body language in a wrong place, such as ordinary body language along with dialects becomes strange and therefore I do not hang at all with the conversation.
I have chosen to skip that carousel and create a life that suits me better. I live in Southeast Asia and I can't speak the language of the country I live in. All "normal" say you can't live in a country where you don't understand the language. I say: Why not? I don't want to learn the language either. The reason is that I find it difficult to handle unnecessary speech, something that disappears completely if one cannot speak the language. The times that someone wants me something important that they do everything to translate them so I understand, this is difficult for them so that they only take the most important.
In my home country I used a lot of energy every day to interpret what others meant or why they did as they did. Here, this energy waste has completely ceased, because I do not need to interpret all the time when I still cannot speak the language. I have almost ceased this, the few times the machine is automatically restarted is when I meet people from my home country who want to talk.
If I can't understand how to do it, they will help me with everything, which is good for me. They see me as new arrivals to the country and want to learn how it works and even if I have lived here for a long time I let them learn. It greatly simplifies my life. I can also devote myself to my own thoughts even with others without anyone being disturbed by it.
For me, in my turn, I find it difficult to express myself briefly, it will automatically be long analyzes of all conversations. But if I'm going to translate an answer into a language that is completely different from my own and where the translation is often wrong if it gets too far, then I have to take a short note.
I have always had a hard time knowing how to do in different situations together with others, in a country where you understand the language everyone assumes that everyone knows what is happening. But since I do not understand the language, they help me to everything and everyone accepts that I sometimes make mistakes. I am a foreigner, and obviously one cannot expect foreigners to know everything in a new country. I let them learn me, again and again. It greatly simplifies my life. I can take superficial contacts with anyone, but I have no idea how to create a deeper contact or a relationship. I always have the feeling that I am doing wrong and that people get angry with me.
I have never liked repetitions, such as traditions or routines. These are important things in the "normal" world and the experts at Asperger (who themselves do not have Asperger) believe that routines are good for us. But it is considerably more beautiful and more relaxed to live without routines, I do not care about routines at all.
I have never had any idea of time either. In this area I work as a dog. I will be just as happy if you come back after a minute as after a year, but the time between is completely forgotten. This bad memory along with no time conception rarely causes me to come in time for an agreed meeting. If something else that interests me shows up, I forget what I would do and devote myself to the new interesting instead. It makes people angry when they wait for me. Now I have learned this and never decide a special time, I say that I will come when I come. And those who know me well accept this. The disadvantages are that I can go shopping at night and be surprised that the stores are closed, and the advantage is that I never stress, everything has to take the time it takes.
I have bad memory for things I am not interested in, but on the contrary I have an extreme memory for things that interest me.
This bad memory is nothing that has come because I got older, I was born with bad memory and have learned to live with it. I would definitely not want to remember everything, I am very happy to have the privilege of forgetting.
But I have photographic memory, and I remember better in pictures than in text and I have easier to remember numbers than letters. And as always there are exceptions, I love to play with words and like word games like Wordfeud.
For me every day is brand new, the day before I forgot. I remember a few things like that I was in some special place or if some mess occurred. I remember faces, probably because it will be a picture, but I rarely remember what people are called, but if I can connect the face with a place, I can remember the name if I can associate the name with something I am interested in. But then it becomes a requirement in place, I see the person in a different context so it is not likely that I remember the name or even the face.
But I remember things that I am interested in, such as traffic, driving vehicles and I always find back to a place I have been to many years earlier, it is also because images are created on roads, houses and other things in my head and pictures do I remember.
And sometimes friends try to find a place somewhere in the world and call to me to explain the way. If I have been there before, I can help them.
Another thing I also remember is codes, such as data codes. I can correct them with the memory, even though there are thousands. And if I, for example, build a website, I can correct an error in memory while I do other things. It can be a point that has become a comma on page 2357 and when I get home I go straight to that page and change it to a point.
Language, I have a hard time learning, but I have no interest in it and therefore cannot learn it either. I can speak my mother tongue but I can't quite do the grammar completely, and that also applies to English. But now there is help with translation on smartphone and it is very good. The body language has always interested me and I have read a lot of books about it so I can quite well, and there is not so much difference wherever I am on earth.
I do not feel hunger or satiety, so I eat when I see food, simply. And I stop eat when the food is empty or if I be tired of it, often because there is something else that interests me. Sometime when people ask if I am hungry but I don't have the motvation to eat I say I have eat already even if it is long time ago. But I eat everything, I think that if other can eat so I also can eat it.
But since I do not have the time conception I do not remember if I have already eaten, sometimes I forget to eat completely if I am doing something that interests me, and sometimes I eat several times in a row, because I do not remember if I have already eaten.
Then I get pain in my stomach, but do not know why. I can also eat the same thing over and over again without remembering that I ate the same thing yesterday. This is nothing that disturbs me, the main thing is that I get something in me. But it often disturbs others that I eat the same thing every day. Now I eat at a small restaurant near where I live, they know me and they give me a bit of varied food without I having to order it. I pay and get varied food, it suits me perfectly. And if I come to eat an hour later they are kind and say that I have already eaten.
I prefer to eat alone, because I do not know how to eat with others. For example, when to eat what? When I am unsure of this, I imitate of how others do. It's usually if I'm invited to food. I have no problem eating well-spiced food, but great difficulty eating hot food, I prefer the food cold.
Another thing I never got any order of this with fork and knife. In what hand should they be? and how do you get the food to lie on the fork. In Thailand where I now live you eat with spoon, it suits me better. On a spoon it is easier to bring the food with you up to the mouth. I also have poor co-ordination on where my mouth is, this I have solved by sticking out my tongue a little when I pass the spoon to the mouth, it is easier to put the spoon on the tongue which then helps to bring in the spoon in the mouth. At that time when I had to eat with fork and people were disgusted by my tongue helping to bring the food into my mouth, I always stuck my cheek with the fork. I do not want to use a knife at all when I eat, it is pure suicide tool in my hands. And if I'm out in a dance place with friends, I imitate everything they do. Since I do not know myself when I can do things, such as a simple thing like drinking from a glass, I have control of how the others do, and do the same.
I cannot coordinate legs and arms together in special movements. So ballroom dancing is out of the question for me, I get tangled in a knot that is difficult to dissolve. If I have to dance, it is techno that works best, because then I do not have to dance with both legs and arms at the same time. This also excludes sports, if I take in all my strength I may be lucky if I get off a ball a few meters.
I am very clumsy, if there is something I can hurt me on, so I do it with all certainty. I have scars from injury to the body from all types of major or minor accidents. But I never get sick. I have had all mandatory childhood diseases, but after that I have not even been cold, the few times I go to a hospital is because of an injury. Medicines I do not like at all, I think the body is able to heal itself. I only use drugs if there is no other way out. The medications that are most relevant to me are painkillers after injury.
I am a list writer, that is because I have to write everything that I think about, because if I do not, I will forget it after a few minutes.
Economics interests me so on my own finances I have full control. However, I have to make lists of how I can use the money because every day is completely new to me. I can't, no matter how much I try, plan into tomorrow, even less what will happen some time later.
When I was a child I had a slightly leaning gait where I threw out my feet so it looked like I was about to fall forward. But my mother was nagging every day that I had to walk upright and like everyone else because it would not seem that I was different. It's one of the few things I thank her for now. But she was most ashamed of me and was always worried that others would see that she had given birth to a disabled child.
But I was just a small child when I lost the whole family in an accident. I had other relatives, but they did not want problems with a disturbed kid so I ended up in an orphanage where they did not understand me at all and after two years I ran away from the orphanage. I lived in tunnels under the ground and on the street. There I was accepted just as I was by other street children and I enjoyed that freedom. I had the advantage of not remembering yesterday, so I never saw the misery we lived in, it was only for one day for me, and one day in misery I can endure. I lived there for a few years and now I think it was the best school that an Asperger child can get. I had to understand myself and adapt to my own way. Before my family died, I was locked up in a small room almost all the time. My parents didn't want me to go out so others saw that they had a disturbed child.
I have no close friends, but many superficial friends. That's because I don't know how to make friends. Actually, I don't need anyone other than myself. I'm my best friend. But sometimes it's fun to be able to do things with others. For example, different experiences are more fun if you are several. But the friends I have are tied to nightclub life and we never meet in the daytime. The sad thing about it, is that our friendship requires alcohol, and I don't want to drink alcohol all the time. So if I don't drink alcohol, I'm completely alone. But that is no problem for me, I really feel anything for other people, as long I get something out from our friendship I keep them, and when it be boring I leave everything in a second and soon forget the people who thought we were best friends forever.
Sometimes it is superficial friends who understand that I do not have friends and therefore invite me to temporary things. But then it feels like they are sacrificing themselves temporarily and really against their own will to be kind. And I don't see that as true friendship, then I become an involuntary attachment that nobody really wants and I just become a problem. Sometimes, others connect with me because they think I seem to be a nice guy, but when they learn that I have Asperger's syndrome so they disappear quickly. In addition, it is often hyper normal people who cannot understand how I work, and then get annoyed if I don't do right all the time. I know directly from the atmosphere of a room when I enter, therefore, I usually thank no such thing. But if I feel that they really want to be friends with me then I will be happy, but I do not know what is required of me to keep the friendship for a long time.
I have much easier to get friendship with children, perhaps because they do not judge others but instead see and accept everyone as they are. Children often come to me, animal too, it's the same there. Animal and children like me, maybe because they feel I'm not a threat. But in this world, adults and children are not allowed to be friends. It's a little sad, because I think both of them can exchange one another. But since the so-called "normal people" only have sex in their heads, they do not understand that you can be friends without having sex.
I do not like bright light, at home the curtains are always precocious and I only have a weak light to find the right in my room, and I am preferably out at night and sleep on the day. There are several advantages to this, and it is beautiful for the eyes, but it is also quieter.
I also find it difficult to deal with loud noise and I hear everything that sounds at the same time, I do not know how to filter out unwanted sound. And there is a lot that sounds all the time, even though I live a little outside a small town. For example, it is air conditioning in all apartments, and these start and close all the time, I rarely use air conditioning because I do not like when it gets too cold. I prefer a fan, which also hums all the time but it doesn't get as cold.
I rarely listen to music at home, the sound interferes with me. And often I watch movies without the sound and only have subtitles. If I am out in any restaurant with live music, I hear immediately if it is wrong or false. Although I can't play or sing myself. If it's just a little wrong, cut it unacceptably in the brain. If there are very different sounds in the same place, for example in a night club I hear everything except when you try to speak directly to me, your words become part of all other sounds and I do not know how to filter out all the sounds I do not want to hear and only listen to it as Speak to me. I also have a damage to the eardrum since I was a military and someone shot with the K-piste right next to my ear, then I got something impaired hearing, and it doesn't get any easier when to hear what people are saying.
If there are many in the same place, I hear where everyone is talking about, then it is incredibly nice not to understand the language. It just becomes an incomprehensible mumbling, and then I don't have to hear everything completely unnecessarily talking. People talk so much unnecessarily, as if they were talking just because it had to sound. On top of that, there are cars, emergency vehicles, barking dogs, screaming cats, babies crying etc etc. And I hear everything.
I also have very sensitive skin, I feel if there is a little barely visible crumb in the bed when I should sleep, and I can not fall asleep, before I shake the bedding, so it is not crumbly at all.
And ideally I would be naked all the time because clothes hurt the skin, but for some strange reason nudity is considered disgusting in this world.
I don't like too close contact with foreign people, and I don't want them to touch me if I'm not prepared. But if someone I like comes from the front and without surprises speech or handy clearly shows that they want to give me a hug, then I am happy to get a hug.
I find it difficult to understand the irony of others, although I can use irony on my own path. But then there is no one else who understands me.
I often understand words properly.
For example: I was out with a friend when a car stops next to me and a man says, do you know where the library is?
I answer, yes I know. (But he don't ask for the directions, he ask if I know. So I just continued walking.)
My friend who knows me well laughed and took over the directions.
Or when someone says: Can you close the window, and I answer: Yes I can. After a while the person says again, why don't you close the window? And I answer: No one has asked me to close the window.
Nor can I lie about obvious truths. As an example, a girl fishes for compliments and says do you think I look very bold in this dress? And I answer: Yes, but you're pretty fat, so maybe it's not that strange.
My close friends always say, if you want a lie, don't ask me.
I find it hard to lie at all, but sometimes when people ask about things I know I cannot answer briefly, I give them a similar story that is shorter. According to me, there is no difference because they do not care, they just want to ask questions.
Not answering at all makes people annoyed, so they get the truth they get from me. The downside is that everyone gets different stories, and everyone gets confused. Therefore, this website is good, because here you can read what is correct, because I do not need the stress of quickly and briefly tell about my whole life.
(I write a book about my life now, I have done for a while, but it is difficult because the memory is not so good, I have to do a lot of research and contact old friends from childhood time, and if I am lucky they still live and remember. And because I find it difficult to write briefly, it will be very unnecessary detail. I have so far written 287, A4 pages and then I have only come to my 12 year anniversary, so I'll write about my whole life so it teaches thousands of pages. Why I try write is about two thing, one for all people who all time ask about my life, but also for my self to remember.)
Everyone asks all the time about my life, I do not know why it is so interesting, but it is not possible to answer briefly because my life has been very messy.
Most so-called "normal" people live in the same place and work on the same company all their lives. Then it is of course easy to briefly tell what you have done earlier in life, but if they expect it then they have asked the wrong person. I have lived in over seventy
addresses and worked on at least as many companies, with everything possible and impossible. I have owned some companies and trained me as I get interested in something new. And I haven't done everything one by one, but a lot at once. As most work I worked at three workplaces, owned a company and went to school at the same time, then it is not easy to tell what you have done before for people who lived in a protected workshop and do not know anything about the outside world.
The reason I moved often is because I never had a permanent job, I have always worked per hour, or time limited project. And when the work ends, I move on to the next workplace, where I need a home. Then it is not easy to answer briefly on a question about what you have done before. Moreover, no one believes you have an incoherent background, and it automatically becomes incoherent if you do many things at the same time. And since I am not good at lying, there will be long stories that are messy and disjointed in the ears of others, but if they sat down with me and went through my documents would understand that there is actually a context if you have the ability to step from its "normality cardboard".
But then it is easier to say something similar but shorter. They do not need to know everything about me. I never ask others about their background, it does not interest me what happened before, it is now that is interesting. Same thing when people ask if I have hade some vehicles. What can I answer, yes I have had over fifty-five cars and eleven motorcycles. And that's also a reason for it, I have the most buy very old vehicles that I run with a short time and then scraps. They few completely new vehicles I bought, I have crashed or tired of after some time and sold. I quickly get tired of things or places and often people too. And because of this kind of life it has been impossible to own a lot of things that should be moved all the time.
I only have an extreme patience with things or people who interest me, what does not interest me I get tired of very quickly. And since I have no sense of time, it may feel like I have been working in one place for several years and now want to move on to new challenges, and stop immediately. And the surprised employer who knows that I have been working there for a few weeks has nothing to resist because I am not a permanent employee.
I prefer small spaces, a small room but a bed so I'm completely satisfied. And I always roll myself in the blanket so I'm about to be
sweat to death. But I get some sort of security from it. My friends say I would be happy in a prison, in a small cell and get varied food served, and without having to go out. If it had not been because I had been locked in most of the time as a child, and had a strong sense of freedom, it would probably have worked well.
If I have no reason to go out then I am preferably in the whole time. But I know I sometimes need to see other people even if I don't need them, so i find out on reasons to go out, for example to smoke. I really have no need for the nicotine, but it is a good reason to leave my room sometimes.
According to doctors, I have a lot of intelligence, IQ 128 on the latest tests, three years ago, the test doing in Sweden and I have not be there long time now. But I don't care about it, they do tests on a regular basis. Many times I have thought about how the intelligence is with those who create such an intelligence test.
Usually, it means putting puzzles in different image patterns, and I can see directly how to put a puzzle without looking for the pieces. And often it is different number of digit combinations that I also have very easy for. But other things I am completely ignorant about, so that I get high IQ depends well on the fact that the tests are often adapted to my ability. I believe that intelligence is not possible to measure in different tests, Inteligens is to survive despite all the setbacks.
I have a very logical brain and see everything in logic. As for example traffic that interests me, traffic is logical and therefore easy to understand. When I took a driving license I did not open the textbooks at all, it was so incredibly logical that the books just got tangled up with it all. I passed the theory and practice tests with 100% right each time and I have all the driving licenses you can have. However, if something is not logical then I cannot possibly learn it, language is such a thing, there is usually no logic in language. But if anyone can show me the logic then I will learn in a few days.
Now I am a little older and do not look so good, but when I was young I read a lot of books, it was most fact books about everything. I have photographic memory and I can read very fast, it's like the brain takes a photo of the book page and then stores it in the head, this allows me to read a page in a few seconds, and I never forget what I read. There will be an encyclopaedia inside my head.
But now I'm not reading that much anymore.
I always dare to test new ideas that others say it will never work. All the companies I have had I started without having any knowledge of the business. But I can always try and if that doesn't work I can always do something else. And knowledge is not important, the important thing is to find the right people with the right knowledge that can work for me.
I am very credulous and naive, and I usually trust people I like, but that also makes me very often used. Perhaps it seems to me that I am naive because it is a constantly nagging for money and in the past I have a hard time saying no. Thankfully I have learned that now. But I have lost a lot of money on people I thought were my friends, but only exploited me and then disappeared.
I always stick to an opinion, and I stand for it regardless of whether it can hurt myself. But that is the day I live. But since every day is new to me, opinions are often changed every day. This confuses other people. But no matter what I say, I mean it 100% just that day.
And I always stand on the side of the poor or exposed. Maybe because I grew up like an orphanage street child and had to beg, sell my body and steal to survive.
I am extremely mentally strong and few things can get me down. I am a survivor who does not shy away from any difficulties. But can I get others to help me so I do it, more of convenience than inability. I have never understood why people cannot cope with problems or setbacks. I have my own saying that says "There are no problems, only challenges"
I prefer deep analyzing discussions over unnecessary cold talk. But I have no problem talking in detail if that is what people want to talk about, I am probably perceived by superficial acquaintance as very socially competent, because I can talk to anyone completely open about everything, even very taboo-coated or private things . But I do not know how to make a superficial contact with a deeper friendship. I am very straightforward and often others are disturbed by saying straight out what everyone thinks but no one dares to say. And I do not understand the bow afterwards that the mouth spoke before the brain thought clearly.
Even though I can spend time with other people, I need time to relax and recharge my batteries, because a lot of energy is needed for me to spend time with other people. Because I do not understand everything they say on my own mother's goal, I have to code for everything and it takes on the forces. Abroad, it works better because I don't understand what they say at all, and don't care about it.
If I feel that I do not fit into a place then I go straight away. Especially when I was younger and was invited to a party, it became too much noise and I cannot filter out background noise when someone talks to me, so I usually sneaked away to a quiet place and sat alone there until I got tired and went home without to disturb the others. But most of the time I was called soon after with the question, where did you go, the party died completely when you disappeared. I have never understood that, but I have to be there for others to have fun. If I wasn't there, they couldn't party.
I do not judge others, everyone is equal to me. I do not assume that everyone is in a special way. And I question everything if I consider it stupid, but I think it is harder for people who are overbearing and clinging to me.
Will more soon...
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