My Asperger


in a world of Zombies


The picture at the top shows how I experience the world.

It feels like I crashed with a spaceship on a planet where everything is messy and where I am almost invisible.
But I'm stuck here because I can't repair my spaceship to get home to my own normal planet.

This planet, called the Earth, is inhabited by Zombies who do everything to make life difficult for everyone. Violence and war are encouraged, while love is considered disgusting and is something to be ashamed of.
On this planet you can be killed if you love the wrong person, while the one who kills gets medals.

They are completely mad after constantly collecting paper and metal that they put into special vaults to have something to lose when they die.

They don't understand me, and I will never understand them.

You don't see it outside of me, so it's hard to imagine what kind of struggle is going on inside me when we hang out.
I think most people perceive me as a very social person, but it depends on long experience and a system of their own to blend in with the crowd. What you may understand is that I stand apart from others when we talk to each other. On the one hand you get a long analysis of every little question and on the other, I am very straight and honest with no inhibitions or taboos, and I speak openly about the most private. Which makes others unsure. And if you know me well, you see the difference between how I am alone and with others.

I was diagnosed with Autism when I was four years old. I don't know why it became Autism, perhaps because Asperger had not yet been diagnosed.

Since I only write directly from memory, the text may not be in order and therefore the text may be messy.
But with an open mind and a good will you will surely understand.

I have a lot of self-esteem and humor and you will probably see it in the text as well. I hope that you as a reader have some joy in this text and if we know each other you can understand why I am who I am. And maybe others with Asperger's can recognize themselves.

The reason I live the way I do is because it has proven to be perfect for me. The majority of people with Asperger's Syndrome try to adapt to a world where the majority do not have Asperger's. This means that a lot of energy is needed for this adaptation, which is completely unnecessary. Those without Asperger's decide what we need to do to be as equal as possible to them. Because in their world there is no room for differences, everyone must be equal in order for them to have their safety.

But I think it is wrong that I have to spend so much energy to adapt to a world that does not work for me, just because the majority think everyone must be equal.

In my home country, I do not understand what others mean in different situations and if they use body language in the wrong place, which, for example, ordinary body language together with dialects becomes strange and therefore I do not hang with the conversation at all.

I have chosen to jump off this adaptation carousel and create a life that suits me personally better. I live in Southeast Asia and I can't speak the language of the country I live in. Everyone's so called "normal" says you can't live in a country where you don't understand the language. I say: Why not? Nor do I want to learn the language. The reason is that I find it difficult to handle unnecessary speech, which disappears completely if you cannot speak the language. When someone wants to tell something important, they do everything to translate it so that I understand, this is difficult for them so they just take the most important thing.

In my home country, I used a lot of energy every day to interpret what others said or why they did as they did. Here, this energy waste has completely ceased, as I do not need to interpret all the time when I still can not speak the language. I have almost stopped this, the few times the machine is restarted automatically is when I meet people from my home country who want to speak my native language.

If I can't understand the language, they help me with everything, which is good for me. They see me as a newcomer to their country and want to learn how everything works and even though I've lived here for a long time I let them learn. It greatly simplifies my life. If I do not know the language, I can also devote myself to my own thoughts even with others without anyone being disturbed by it.

For me, I find it difficult to express myself in short, there will automatically be long analyzes of every little thing. But if I am to translate into a language that is completely different from my own and where the translation is often wrong if it gets too long, I have to force myself to take a short version.

I've always had a hard time knowing how to do things in different situations with others, in a country where you understand the language, everyone assumes that everyone knows how to do it. But since I don't understand the language, they help me with everything and everyone accepts that I sometimes make mistakes. I am a foreigner and obviously one cannot expect foreigners to know everything in a new country. I let them learn, over and over again. It greatly simplifies my life.

I don't have many really close friends because I don't know how to get them. But I can easily get superficial contacts. I always have the feeling that I am wrong when I try to make close friends or relationships and that people get angry with me.

I don't like repetitions, such as traditions or routines. These are important things in the "normal" world and the experts at Asperger (who themselves do not have Asperger) believe that routines are good for us. But it is much nicer and more relaxed to live without routines, I do not care about routines at all.

I've never had a clue about time either. In this area, I'm like a dog. I will be just as happy if you come back after a minute as after a year, but the time between is completely forgotten.

So I have a very bad memory when it comes to everything that does not directly interest me, while with what interests me I will never forget anything.

But I have photographic memory, and I remember better pictures than text and I have easier to remember numbers than letters. But as always there are exceptions, I love playing word games such as Wordfeud.

For me, every day is brand new, the day before I have largely forgotten. I only remember things like I was in a special place or if something special happened, but I rarely remember what time and often I mix up the day with the days before the sheep day.

I often remember faces, probably because there is a picture in my brain, but I rarely remember what people are called. But if I can connect my face to a place, I can remember the name if I can associate the name with something I'm interested in. But then it becomes a requirement in place. If I see the person in another context, it is unlikely that I will remember either the name or even the face.

But I remember things that I am interested in, especially if they are logical things, such as traffic and driving vehicles. Traffic is logical and that is why I go there.

And I always find back to a place that I have been to many years before, it is also because pictures are created on roads, houses and other things in my head and pictures I remember.

And sometimes friends call for help to find a place somewhere in the world and if I've been there before, I can help them.

Another thing that I also remember is codes, like data codes. I can correct them with the memory, even if there are thousands. And if, for example, I build a website, I can correct a memory error while doing other things. It may be a point that has become a comma on page 2357 and when I get home I go directly to that page and change it to one to a point.

Language is difficult for me to learn, partly because languages ​​are often very illogical but also because language does not interest me. I can speak my native language but I can't quite understand the grammar, and that goes for English too. But now there is help with translation on the smartphone and it is very good. The body language has always interested me and I've read a lot of books about it so I can do it pretty well, and using people right, it's no big difference wherever I am on earth.

I feel neither hunger nor saturation. So I eat when I see food that looks good, simply. And I stop eating when the food is out or if I get tired of chewing, I often stop eating because there is something else in my neighborhood that interests me, at home I just make so much food that it becomes a normal meal. However, the different meals can end up anywhere, for example, there may be dinner early in the morning, breakfast in the evening and supper for lunch, but I do not see it as a problem, the main thing is that I get nutrition.

Sometimes when people ask if I am hungry but I have no motive to eat, I say that I have already eaten, even though it is a long time ago. Me when I eat I eat everything, I think everything is food and if others can eat then I can also eat it.

But since I do not have the perception of time, I do not remember if I have already eaten, sometimes I forget to eat completely if I do something that interests me, and sometimes I eat several times in a row, because I do not remember if I have already eaten. I can also eat the same thing over and over again without remembering that I ate the same thing yesterday. This is not something that bothers me, the most important thing is that I get something in me. But it often bothers others that I eat the same thing every day.

I prefer to eat alone, because I don't know how to eat with others. For example, when should you eat what? When I am uncertain about this, I imitate how others do, not only does it apply to food, but it is a big part and usually if I am invited to dinner. J

ag have no problems eating well-seasoned food, but great difficulty eating hot food, I prefer the food cold.

Another thing I never got any order on is this with fork and knife. In what hand should they be? And how do you get the food left on the fork. In Thailand where I now live you eat with spoon, it suits me better. On a spoon it is easier to take the food with you up to your mouth.

I also have poor coordination on where my mouth is, this I have solved by sticking out the tongue a little as I move the spoon to the mouth, since it is easier to put the spoon on the tongue which then helps to get the spoon into the mouth, than to try to find a hole where the food is going to be. Unfortunately, other so-called "normal" perceive it as disgusting to stick out the tongue a little while eating. But honoring with a fork and knife and trying to find a hole I don't see is already the suicide mission, I stick in the cheek with the fork and knife I should not use at all.

And if I'm out at a dance venue with friends, I imitate everything they do. Since I do not know for myself when I can do things, for example a simple thing like drinking from a glass, then I have control over how the others do and do the same.

I cannot coordinate legs and arms in special movements. So ballroom dancing is not relevant to me, I tangle my legs and arms in a knot that is difficult to dissolve. If I have to dance it is techno that works best, because then I do not have to dance with both legs and arms at the same time. This coordination problem also excludes sports, if I take in all my strength I can, if I'm lucky to throw a ball a few meters.

When I was a kid, I had a leaning time where I threw my feet out so it looked like I was going to fall forward and my arms didn't move at all when I walked. But people in my vicinity complained every day that I had to go upright and like everyone else because it would not appear that I was different.

I am very clumsy and often hurt myself on everything.

I don't have many close friends, but many superficial friends. That's because I don't know how to make friends. Actually, I don't need anyone but myself. I am my best friend. But sometimes it's fun to be able to do things with others. For example, different experiences are more fun if you are multiple. But the friends I have are tied to the nightclub life and we never meet during the day. The sad thing about it is that our friendship requires alcohol, and I don't want to drink alcohol all the time. So if I don't drink alcohol, I'm completely alone. But that's not a problem for me, I really don't feel anything for other people. As long as I get something out of our friendship I keep them, and when it is sad I leave everything in a second and soon forget the people who thought we were best friends forever.

It also takes a lot of energy to spend time with others. It's stressful to always be focused on looking like one of them. The amount of energy I use can then be equivalent to running a marathon, and I am completely exhausted when I get home.

I like to have people around me, even though I don't need the close social part. I often sit myself in my own world, play a game on the phone or just sit and exist. Unfortunately, many people find it rude that I do not devote myself to them. But whether I devote myself to a game or to them, they will get angry with me. So what does it matter what I do.

I hear everything that sounds in my surroundings, but here in Thailand it is easier to mute the sound because I do not understand the language. If I understand the language I hear what everyone is saying and it is a big company so everyone talks about different things in each other's mouths. Then it becomes difficult for me and I go away for a while.

Sometimes it is superficial friends who understand that I do not have friends and therefore invite me to temporary things. But then it feels like they are sacrificing temporarily and really against their own will to be kind. And I don't see it as true friendship, then I just become a problem.

And sometimes when my few real friends are going to meet their other friends, often they do not want to show that they know me because I am different and then there are often strange explanations why I can not come along. It doesn't bother me that they don't want me with me, but it bothers me that they can't just say they don't want me with them.

Sometimes people contact me because they think I seem to be a nice guy, but when they find out I have Asperger's Syndrome they disappear quickly. Also, there are often hyper-normal people who can't understand how I am and get annoyed if I don't do it right, according to them, all the time.

I feel the atmosphere directly in a company when I come in, and I feel that the atmosphere gets a little pressed when I come in, so I usually go straight. But if I feel that they really want to be friends with me then I will be happy, but I do not know what it takes for me to keep the friendship for a long time.

Often I get too private when I feel safe with people and scare them away with an overly open mind.

I find it much easier to make friends with children, perhaps because they do not judge others but instead see and accept everyone as they are. Children often come to me. Animals too, it's the same there. Animals and children like me, maybe because they feel I'm not a threat. But in this world, adults and children must not be friends. It's a bit sad, because I think both can enjoy each other. But since the so-called "normal" people only have sex in their heads, they do not understand that you can be friends without having sex.

I do not like bright light, at home the curtains are always worn and I only have a dim light to find right in my room, and I prefer to spend the night at night and sleep in the day. There are several benefits for me with this, partly it is better for my eyes, but it is also quieter, and since I have difficulty with sound, it is better for me at night.

I have a hard time handling loud sound and I hear everything that sounds at the same time, I don't know how to filter out unwanted sound. And there is a lot that sounds all the time, even though I live a little outside a small town. For example, there is air conditioning in all apartments, and these start and close all the time, I rarely use air conditioning because I do not like when it gets too cold. I prefer a fan, which also buzzes all the time but it doesn't get too cold.

I rarely listen to music at home, the sound bothers me, especially if it is screaming vocals, I prefer dark or slightly hoarse voices. And often I watch movies without the sound and have only subtitles. If I am out at any restaurant with live music I immediately hear if it is wrong or false. Although I can't play or sing myself. If it's just a little wrong, it cuts unacceptably in the brain. If there are very many and different sounds in the same place, for example in a nightclub I hear everything except when you try to speak directly to me, your words become a part of all other sounds and I do not know how to filter out unwanted sounds. I also have damage to the eardrum since I was military and someone shot with the K-pistol next to my ear, then I got some hearing impaired, and it won't be easier to hear what people are saying.

When there are many people talking about different things at the same time, it is nice not to understand the language, then it just becomes an incomprehensible murmur, and then I do not need to hear everything completely unnecessary talk. People talk so much unnecessarily, as if they were talking just because it must sound. On top of that there are cars, emergency vehicles, barking dogs, screaming cats, babies crying etc. etc. And I hear everything.

I also have very sensitive skin, I feel if there is a little bit in the bed when I go to sleep, and I can not fall asleep before I shake the bedding.

And preferably I would be naked all the time because clothes scratch the skin, but for some strange reason nudity is considered disgusting in this world.

I do not like too close contact with people and do not want them to touch me if I am not prepared. But if someone I like comes from the front and hugs me, I'm happy to have a hug.

I do not like light touch because it hurts the skin, if you hug me then do it properly, you touch my skin, then do it as it feels, not violently but firmly.

I prefer large clothes that are not tight to the skin or that stretch between the legs. HipHop fashion fits me perfectly.

I have a hard time understanding the irony of others, although I can use irony on my own path. But then no one else understands me.

I often perceive speech verbatim.

For example: I was out with a friend when a car stops next to me and a man says, do you know where the library is located?

I answer, Yes, I know. (But he doesn't ask for directions, he asks if I know. So I just kept going.)

My friend who knows me well laughed and took over the instructions.

Or when someone says: Can you close the window, and I answer: Yes, I can. After a while, the person says again, why don't you close the window? And I answer: No one has asked me to close the window.

Nor can I lie about obvious truths. As an example, a girl fishes for compliments and, for example, says: Do you think I look good in this dress? And I answer: No, you're pretty fat, so su should choose a bigger dress.

My close friends always say that if you want a lie, don't ask me.

I have a hard time lying at all, but sometimes when people ask about things I know I can't answer briefly, I can give them a similar story that is shorter. In my opinion, there is no difference because they do not care, they just want to ask questions, because they, like all "normal" people, are afraid of silence. Often people ask, but do not have time to wait for the answer.

Not answering at all makes people annoyed, so they get the truth they get from me. The downside is that everyone gets different stories and everyone gets confused. Therefore, this site is good, because here you can read what is right, because I do not need the stress to quickly and briefly tell about my entire life.

Nor can I lie about obvious truths. As an example, a girl fishes for compliments and, for example, says: Do you think I look good in this dress? And I answer: No, you're pretty fat, so you should choose a bigger dress.

My close friends always say that if you can't get the truth thrown right in your face, then don't ask me.

I have a hard time lying at all, but sometimes when people ask about things I know I can't answer briefly, I can give them a similar story that is shorter. In my opinion, there is no difference because they do not care, they just want to ask questions, because they, like all "normal" people, are afraid of silence. Often people ask, but do not have time to wait for the answer.

Not answering at all makes people annoyed, so they have to take the truth they get from me. The downside is that everyone gets different stories and everyone gets confused. Therefore, this site is good, because here you can read what is right, because I do not need the stress to quickly and briefly tell about my entire life.

I just have an extreme patience with things or people that interest me, what doesn't interest I get tired of very quickly. And since I have no sense of time, it may feel like I've been working in one place for years and now want to move on to new challenges and quit right away. And the surprised employer who knows I have been working there for a few weeks has nothing to resist because I am not a permanent employee.

I prefer small spaces, a small room with a bed so I am completely satisfied. And I always roll myself into the blanket so I keep on doing that

sweat to death. But I get some kind of security from it. My friends say that I would feel best in a prison, in a small cell and be served varied food and without having to go out. If it hadn't been because I had been locked up most of my time as a child and had a strong sense of freedom, it probably would have worked well.

If I have no reason to go out, I'm preferably indoors all the time. But I know that sometimes I need to meet other people, even if I don't need them, so I try to find reasons to go out.

According to doctors, I have a lot of intelligence, IQ 128 already as a 4 year old. But I don't care. Many times I have thought about how intelligence is with those who create such an intelligence test.

Usually, this means putting puzzles into different picture patterns, and I can immediately see how to put a puzzle without looking for the pieces. And often it's the different number of digit combinations that I also have very easy for. But other things I am completely ignorant of. So why I get high IQ is well because the tests are often adapted to my ability. I believe that intelligence is not possible to measure in different tests, Intelligence is individual and no matter how high IQ you are, you can't do everything. But don't get me wrong, at least I'm stupid.

I always dare to test new ideas that others say they will never work. All companies I have had I started without any knowledge of the business, and other "normal" people say that my idea is crazy, it will never work. But I can always try and if it doesn't work I can always do something different. And knowledge is not important, the important thing is to have the ability to find the right people with the right knowledge that can work for me.

I always adhere to one and the same opinion, and I stand for it whether it can hurt myself. But that's the moment it is. But since every day is new to me, opinions often change every day, sometimes more often if I am disturbed by something when I present my opinion, it may have changed. This confuses other people. But whatever I say, I mean it 100% at that particular moment.

I am extremely mentally strong and few things can get me down. I am a survivalist who does not deter me from any difficulties. But can I get others to help me so I do it, more for convenience than for incapacity. I have never understood why people cannot handle problems or adversities. I have my own saying that says "There are no problems, only challenges".

Although I can spend time with other people, I need time to relax and recharge my batteries. And sometimes I just disappear and am completely engulfed by the earth for a few months.

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